Into the Archives!
Jokes featured in previous Great Harwood Town Programmes
Back in the ‘good old days’ of the NWCFL Second Division, Harwood really struggled to make ends meet and would often have to wear the same dirty shirts for weeks on end. One winter when many home games were postponed and revenue came to a stand-still, two months went by without having the kit washed. Then, early in March, Manager Dave Sharples called the players together in the dressing room.
“Right lads, today we’re going to have a change of shirts.”
The players cheered loudly but were interrupted by Dave.
“Settle down everybody, now then, John Eastham will change shirts with Yaqoob Khan, Liam McManus will change with Ryan Fisher……….”
*As we were taking the NWCFL by storm each year, poor old Daisy Hill always seemed to be struggling at the foot of the table. After three successive seasons when the club failed to make it out of the bottom two, their manager decided that prayer was the only answer.
He went to church and knelt before the altar.
“Please Lord, can you help, I’ve tried everything to make us successful but I’ve run out of ideas.”
The Lord appeared above the altar and said:
“Come forth my son.”
“COME FORTH?” Exclaimed the Daisy Hill boss.
“I’LL BE HAPPY IF WE COME 19TH!”
* Fred walked out of a Doctor’s surgery looking as if he’d lost a Bob and found a Tanner.
“What’s up?” Asks his mate Tom.
“I’ve just been told to take one of these pills every day for the rest of my life.” Replied Fred.
“That’s not so bad, what’s the problem?” Queeries Tom.
Fred replied dejectedly,
“HE’S ONLY GIVEN ME TWO!”
* So, Pat and Mick came out of the pub drunk as skunks and Pat decided to chuck his empty Guinness bottle through a window. The police arrive and Pat told Mick to give a false name.
“What’s your name?” The constable asks Pat.
“Fred.” Came the reply.
“Fred what?” Asks the Bobby.
Pat looked up at the shop sign above his head.
“What about you?” He asks Mick who soon cottoned on to the master plan.
“Ken.” He chirps.
“Ken what?” Demands the Bobby.
“Kentucky Fried Chicken!!”
So, a little lad, about 6 years old, walks into a Chippy.
“Hey Fatso,” he says to the lady behind the counter.
“Give me fish and chips and get on with it!”
There was a queue so she just ignored him.
“Hey Queen Kong, I’m talking to you, come on I’m in a rush!”
The lady went to the little scally and took him behind the counter.
“You stand there sonny and I’ll be the customer and show you how it should be done. Excuse me, could I trouble you for one portion of fish and chips please sir?”
The little terror looked her straight in the eye and shouted,
“SOD OFF GRANDMA YOU WOULDN’T SERVE ME!!”
A chap is walking down the road when he was stopped by a Zoo Keeper holding a chimp by the hand.
“If I give you a tenner, will you take this monkey to the zoo? I’ve got to find another one which is on the loose.”
“No problem,” says the chap.
An hour later the Zoo Keeper sees the guy walking down the street with the monkey.
“Hey Mush, I gave you a tenner to take that monkey to the zoo, what’s the game?”
“I’ve taken him to the zoo,” says the bloke.
“And I’ve still got some money left so now I’m taking him to the cinema!”
So, a guy walks into a pub, tie undone, hair all over the place, lipstick on his face and collar.
“Give me a double whisky quick.”
“What’s up?” Asks Tom who’s at the bar.
“It’s my new girlfriend, she’s insatiable.”
Tom replies that his missus has been totally ‘passionless’ recently to which the guy says;
“Here’s my car keys, help yourself, she’s man mad.”
Tom rushes into the pitch black car park but eventually finds the car and gets in. After a couple of minutes, a Bobby walks by and sees the car rocking about. He taps on the window and shines his torch into the car.
“What’s goin’ on ‘ere then?”
“Oh, hello officer,” says Tom.
“I’m just having a kiss and cuddle with my wife.”
“Sorry sir, I didn’t realise that it was your wife,” apologises the policeman.
“NO, NEITHER DID I TILL YOU SHONE THAT TORCH!” Shouted Tom.
HUSBAND TO WIFE-“What will do when I’m dead and gone?”
WIFE-“It depends on whether or not I’m acquitted!”
So, Pat and Mick were having a pint in the pub when a bloke came in carrying a huge 20lb. salmon.
“That’s a fine looking fish,” Pat says to Mick.
The following night the same thing happened. Mick goes over to the fisherman and asks him where he got the fish from.
“Well,” said the guy.
“You know the bridge at the top of the hill? I go up there and my buddy holds onto my legs and dangles me over the edge and when I see a fish, I grab it.”
The following night Pat and Mick go to the bridge and Pat dangles Mick over the edge.
An hour passes by.
“Got anything yet?” Pat asks Mick.
“No,” he replies.
After another hour he again asks the question.
“Still nothing,” says Mick.
Two hours after that Mick screams out:
“QUICK, PULL ME UP!”
“Great,” says Pat.
“Have you got fish?”
“NO!” Shouts Mick.
“THERE’S A TRAIN COMING!”
So, a hunter is walking through the jungle, khaki shorts, pith helmet, elephant gun etc. when a lovely bikini-clad girl approaches him fluttering her eyelids.
“Are you game?” Asks the hunter.
The girl looks him in the eye, licks her lips and replies;
So he shot her!!
Pat went for a job with Murphy’s painters and decorators and after a dazzling interview where he impressed Mr. Murphy with his intelligence and wit, he got the job. The following Monday morning Mr. Murphy called him into the office.
“I’ve got your first job lined up Pat. I want you to go to my house and paint my Porch green, here’s the paint.”
At five o’clock Pat returned to the office.
“O.K. Mr. Murphy sor, Oi’ve finished the job and if Oi don’t say so meself, Oi’ve made a grand job of it, but Oi tink yer mistaken, ‘cause it’s not a Porche, it’s a Mercedes!”
So, Pat walks into a pub and after getting his pint, plonks a parrot onto the bar.
“Watch this,” he says to his mate Mick.
He pulled the poor bird’s left leg and it immediately started to dance up and down the bar.
“Wow! That’s great!” Says Mick.
“If you think that’s good, wait till you see this.”
He then gave the parrot a tug on its right leg and it responded by doing somersaults all around the pub before jumping back onto the bar.
“I’ve never seen anything like it,” says the bewildered Irishman.
“What does it do if you pull both its legs at once?”
“FALL ON THE FLOOR YOU IDIOT,” SCREECHED THE PARROT!
A man walked into a Chemist said to the Pharmacist.
“My wife has a sore throat and has lost her voice, have you something to keep it going?”
Before a recent Great Harwood game I was in the town centre and saw this guy swinging a butterfly net up and down as if his life depended on it. He looked a right nutter so I ignored him and went to the chippy. On coming out, the guy was still there and curiosity got the better of me.
“What’s the crack Mush?” I asked.
“I’m trying to catch Gzumptas.” Came the reply.
“What do they look like?” I asked.
“Don’t know, I haven’t caught one yet,” said the Goomer!
LITTLE LAD - “Mummy, mummy, what’s for dinner?”
MOTHER - “Shuddup and get back in th’oven!”
We’ve been contacted by T.H.I.C.K.-The High Intelligence Club of Kilkenny (membership two) who claim that we’re being racist with all these Irish jokes so we’ll not be having any more………OK just a final one.
Paddy walks into a pub with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.
The barman says;
“You can’t bring that dog in here!”
“This is my seeing-eye dog.”
“Oh dear,” says the barman, I’m sorry, here, the first drink’s on me.”
The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy, Mick, walks into the pub with a Chihuahua. Paddy sees him, stops him, and says;
“You can’t bring that dog in here unless you tell the barman it’s a seeing-eye dog.”
Mick thanks him and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink and the barman says;
“Hey, you can’t bring that dog in here!”
“This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The barman replies;
“I don’t think so, they don’t have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs.”
Mick pauses for a second and shouts;
“WHAT? THEY GAVE ME A CHIHUAHUA?”
Here’s some Christmas cracker jokes-
Q-Where did Sir Lancelot study?
Q-Did you hear about the stupid ghost? (who definitely wasn’t Irish!)
A-He climbed over walls.
Q-What is pink, wobbly and flies?
Q-What are brown and sneak around the kitchen at Christmas?
Q-Who invented the first aeroplane that wouldn’t fly?
A-The wrong brothers.
Seamus O’Reilly was recently chosen to be the first Irish astronaut. He was sent whizzing into space with only a monkey for company and before they left, the leader of the ground control gave them an envelope each, only to be read when the duo were several hours into their journey.
When the time came to open the envelopes, the monkey took the initiative and read his first.
It read-‘Check the outer planetary system for overheating and fix it if necessary. Re-wire the electronic module dashboard. Take batteries out of all the machines and replace them for the return journey. Using Morse code, relay to Earth all details of the trip. Completely overhaul the craft’s main computer.’
Next it was Seamus’ turn to open his envelope, it read-‘FEED THE MONKEY!’
When ex-Harwood manager Ian McGarry, now a pundit on Radio Lancashire’s Non-League hour, resigned from his post at the Showground, he was interviewed and asked for the reasons behind his decision.
“Well,” said Ian, “It’s down to illness and fatigue.”
The reporter asked Ian to elaborate.
“Certainly, the supporters are sick and tired of me!”
And some that weren’t
Ex-Harwood boss and Blackburn Rovers legend Dave Bradford didn’t have the best of times at the Showground and this was highlighted one day as he was doing his shopping at the Co-op Superstore on Queen Street. As Dave was making his way back to the car, he saw an old lady struggling with her shopping bags.
“Can you manage dear?” Asked the Harwood boss.
“No bloody chance!” Came the reply.
“You got the team in this mess so you can sort it out!”
Q. What’s the difference between a referee and a broken clock?
A. Even a broken clock is right twice a day!
Ex-Harwood player Dennis Underwood returned to the club as manager in an effort to stop the club’s slide down the leagues but despite ‘getting on a bit’ he found himself having to once again don the goalkeeping gloves. Sadly the agility wasn’t there and we shipped in goals at an alarming rate. Dennis couldn’t understand why he wasn’t able to leap around the penalty area like he’d done twenty years previously and decided to see a doctor.
“You’re too fat,” said the doc.
“No way, I want a second opinion,” demanded Dennis.
“O.K.” replied the doctor,
“You’re ugly as well!”
A few years ago there was a court case in Great Harwood where a little lad took his parents to court because he didn’t want to live with them anymore.
The judge asked him why he didn’t want to live with his Dad.
“He always beats me,” replied the youngster.
“Well what about your Mum?” Asked the Judge.
“She always beats me as well.”
“Who do you want to live with then?” Asked the Judge.
“I want to live with Castleton Gabriels, they never beat anyone!”
I went into a second hand shop in Great Harwood one Saturday afternoon after watching the Robins make mincemeat out of Darwen. I was looking for something for my wife’s birthday and saw a nice brass rat, the sort of thing that you’d put on the mantelpiece.
“How much is it?” I asked the shopkeeper.
“Ten pounds for the rat and another twenty pounds for the story.”
“I’ll just take the rat thanks,” and off I went.
As I walked past the Town Hall a rat came up from the drains and started to follow me. Then another one appeared and before long there were hundreds of them so I ran like mad, until I reached the M65 motorway bridge. I was out of puff so I decided to chuck the brass rat over the edge and to my delight and amazement, the rats all followed and plunged to their deaths.
I returned to the second hand shop and on seeing me the owner said,
“Ah, you’ve come back for the story.”
“Stuff that Mush, Have you any brass Man United fans?”
I met a man in a pub in Harwood last week and told him that we were starting up a town football club again.
“Fancy joining us? I asked.
“I’d love to but I don’t know anything about football. He replied.
“That’s O.K. we need a Chairman as well!”
During our last season we played against a North Eastern team in the F.A. Cup at the Showground and after a goalmouth scramble in our penalty area the Ref. blew and shouted “FOUL!”
“Who for?” Asked the Thornaby captain.
“Us” Replied the Ref.
John Hughes, the Harwood manager in our final season was renowned for not taking any ‘rubbish’ from anyone and he once caught two ‘scallies’ climbing over the wall at the Showground during a rather heavy defeat.
He dragged them down and said:
“Get back into the ground you two, you’re staying for the second half.”
Heard before Harwood’s F.A. Cup game at Cammell Laird a few years ago when we lost 7-0:
“For a minute we were in with a chance there.
Then the game started!”
Three Robins fans were in the Sportsman’s bar discussing the teams’ imminent relegation from the NWCL 1st Division.
“I blame the manager, he’s rubbish, get rid of him and we’ll improve.” Said the first.
“I blame the players, if they tried a bit harder we wouldn’t be in this position.” Remarked the second.
“I blame my parents,” said the third,
“If I’d been born in a different town I might support a decent team!”
I was talking to a Harwood fanatic before a game at the Showground back in 2003 and he told me:
“My wife said that if I didn’t stop going to all Harwood games she’d leave me.”
“That’s a bit of a blow.” I said.
“Yes, I’m going to miss her!” He replied.
For those of you old enough to remember our epic local derby clashes with Darwen, I’m sure that you’ll recall how we always seemed to get a raw deal form the referees. Well I’ve got hold of some CCTV footage taken in the Darwen dressing room before one of the games.
Picture the scene-the Darwen players are all sat on the benches around the changing room listening intently.
“Right lads, if we lose this one, those ‘Arrud b******s will be six points clear of us at the top. I want to see you pulling shirts, raking your studs down the shins, spitting in their faces, insulting their wives and mothers and basically anything goes. I want our centre half to nobble John Eastham early in the game and our centre forward to stamp on Bobby Harris’ toes at corner kicks.
Just then the dressing room door opens and manager Steve Wilkes walks in.
“Right Ref. I’ll take it from here!”